When I was younger My life was nothing but a frozen blur. The time flew past me as I stood still, encased in my own thoughts and surounded by arid emotions I was trapped. I did not bother looking for a way out of my own trap at first, instead i embraced it and fused with it. My Consciousness melded with raw contorted emotions that came for no reason at all. Ensanred within my own thoughts not a single tendril of my TRUE personality slipped through the thick walls of the trap and became exposed to the ever so obviously preasant rays of the "outside". Tormented by the knowledge that a beteer place existed, but not being able to reach it I became frustrated. Anger flowed into my heart just as wind flows through open drapes. The anger did not replace the allready scaring emotions but simply multiplied their intenstity, pushing those emotions even deeper into my being. So deep in fact that I fear they shall never be dug out entirely. On my own i launched a war against myself, Pitting will power and wisdom against human emotion and impulse. Over time I gained ground, but just as with any war there is not clear cut victory. The colosal struggle left holes and vaccancys, places were nothing exists but barren war ravaged alcoves. Today I make attempts at filling these alcoves, be it with happy memories and kind words or good hearted family members and friends. Through my actions I attempt to repair the massive damage that I myself wrought. Some attemps are more succesful than others and more often than not my attemps fail (mostly due to my own fear of human contact) but I feel that with a good friend at my side, offering support and comfort under in any situation, that I may someday find a near peace. Perhaps I am close.













This is an actual journal that i wrote a little while ago. Usually I write how I feel but usually the emotions are subdued enough that I dont have to write them litterally but in the cases when the emoeions nearly, completey overtake me I resort to writing exactly how i feel, and this is one of those results.